Laughably Incompetent
by Starwarshobbitfics
Summary: Following the events of the Lost Padawan arc, Ahsoka is granted a meditative leave to Alderaan. On her way, she falls asleep and missed the drop point and arrives near Druidia instead, just as the Spaceballs approach the planet. She ends up captured, but her odd looks causes Dark Helmet to see her as merely a curious bystander. Hilarity ensues. M rating for excessive foul language.
1. Hilariously incompetent

**Rescued from Wasskah ! After a harrowing experience of being hunted down for sport, Jedi Padawan Ahsoka Tano is reunited with her Master, Anakin Skywalker. Rest and relaxation are in order. Meanwhile, in the vastness of space, an ominous presence attempts a daring move...**

 **Near Druidia**

An extra long ship looms over in space. Near its thrusters, a gigantic bumper sticker quoting "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY" is seen. Inside the ship, codenamed Spaceball One, a group of technicians and military officials are operating the ship on the bridge. One of them rises to see his superior officer.

"Colonel Sandurz !" He calls out.

Sandurz turns to him. "What is it, Sergeant Rico ?"

"You told me to let you know the moment planet Druidia is in sight, sir." He explains.

Sandurz raises an eyebrow. "So ?"

"Planet Druidia is in sight, sir !" Rico proudly confirms.

Sandurz smiles. "You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you ?"

Rico smiles back. "Thanks, sir."

"Have you notified Lord Helmet ?" Sandurz asks.

Rico nods. "Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way."

A voice is heard through the communicator. "Make way for Dark Helmet."

"All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet !" Sandurz orders.

Everybody rises as a door opens. A man, clad in black, walks in, breathing heavily. He is fairly short, wears a huge helmet and has a black necktie to go with it all. His breathing becomes even more laboured. He suddenly lifts his mask up, revealing that he wears glasses. "I can't breathe in this thing !" He catches his breath.

Sandurz faces Dark Helmet. "We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir."

"Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately !" He moves over to the phone.

Suddenly, Sergeant Rico addresses Dark Helmet. "I already called him, sir. He knows everything."

Dark Helmet turns around, looking in shock. "What ?! You went over my helmet ?!"

Sergeant Rico begins to panic and with reason. "Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always ask you first. It'll never happen again ! Never, ever !"

Dark Helmet takes out a ring from his pocket and points it towards Rico.

Rico gasps in horror. "Oh Shit ! No, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that !" He covers his neck, expecting to be choked.

Dark Helmet pulls his mask down. "Yes ! That !" A ray hits Rico in his crotch area.

He moans in pain as he is brought down to his knees, unable to lift himself up.

Guards take him out while Dark Helmet turns to Sandurz. He instinctively covers his crotch.

Dark Helmet points to the scanners. "I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it ?"

"We don't have visual contact yet, sir. But we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you ?" Sandurz offers.

Dark Helmet shakes his head. "Nah, nevermind. I'll do it myself." He and Sandurz walk over to the radar screen area. Dark Helmet glances at the coffee maker.

"What's the matter with this thing ? What's all that churning and bubbling ? You call that a radar screen ?"

"No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee"." Sandurz points at the Mr. Coffee label. "Care for some ?"

He lifts up his mask. "Yes ! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that !"

Sandurz looks nervous. "Of course I do, sir."

Dark Helmet turns to the officers and technicians on the bridge. "Everybody knows that ?"

Everyone covers their crotches. "Of course we do, sir !"

He takes the cup. "Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it ?"

Sandurz points at the label "Mr. Radar". "Right here, sir !"

"Switch to teleview."

Mr. Radar shows a picture of Druidia, a beautiful planet with plenty of mountains, trees and plains.

Dark Helmet looks on in contentment. "There it is, Planet Druidia. Underneath that air shield, 10 000 years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield."

"We will, sir. Once we kidnap the Princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball." Sandurz explained.

Dark Helmet turns to the rest of the crew. "Everybody got that ? Good ! When will the Princess be married ?"

Sandurz checks his data. "Within the hour, sir."

"Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, because it's gonna be a short honeymoon." He savors a bit of coffee.

Sandurz gives his superior officer a friendly pat on the back, causing him to spit out his coffee and his mask to fall down, burning himself. "Hot ! Too Hot !"

 **Coruscant, Jedi Temple**

A couple of days had passed since Ahsoka returned from Wasskah. The first thing she did upon returning home was take a much needed shower. It definitely felt nice to be rid of all that dirt and grime that accumulated on herself while she was hunted by the Trandoshans. The following morning, she went before the Council to ask for a meditative leave in order to recuperate from the trauma. She was granted to take a couple of weeks at Alderaan. As she prepared to leave, her Master accompanied her to the hangar.

Anakin was relieved that she was ok, but worry still showed on his face. He knew that she likely kept inside feelings of fear and despair from her journey. "Are you sure you're ok, Snips ? You still look a bit tense."

Ahsoka sighed loudly. "Master, please ! I'm fine, all right ? A bit shaken up by having been hunted for sport, but I'm back home, safe & sound. This meditative leave is exactly what I need to loosen up from everything that I've endured the past several days. Trust me, I'll be fine."

Anakin steps in front of her. "You'll contact me if anything happens, right ?"

She groaned in frustration. "Master ! Stop. Worrying. About. Me. It's a kriffing meditative leave ! What could possibly happen ?!" She threw up her arms in the air as she entered the hangar.

Anakin quickly grabs her arm. "You can quit it with the attitude, young one. If anything happens, call me. Ok ?"

She looks up to him, trying to calm herself. "All right, Master. If anything happens, I'll contact you. Happy ?"

"Don't get cocky !" He remembered when he said these words to her at Felucia moments before she was captured.

She waved to him. "See you in two weeks." She turned to her personal astromech, R7-A7. "All right. R7, set coordinates for Alderaan."

The droid beeped happily while she entered her starfighter. Within moments she was into space and attached to a hyperspace ring.

She stretched herself in her seat. "R7, set it to autopilot. I'm going to take a quick nap."

 **Near Druidia**

Several hours later, she wakes up. "R7, why are we still in hyperspace ? We should have been around Alderaan... like an hour ago. Get ready to return to normal space."

As they exited hyperspace, Ahsoka saw a planet with an incredibly large ship approaching it. "Um... that doesn't look like Alderaan, R7. Where are we ?"

The droid beeped a quick response.

"What do you mean you don't know ?!" She turns to the computer. "Computer : Identify system and surrounding planets."

"Nearby planet : Druidia." The computer replies.

Her eyes become as large as saucers. "Druidia ?! I've never heard of this planet. And what about that ship ? Could it be a Separatist cruiser ?"

She approaches it and notices the huge bumper sticker near the thrusters. "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY. What the Force ?! Definitely NOT a Separatist ship. Guess I'll take a closer look." She flies her starfighter around the massive ship.

At the bridge, the radar technician notices something. "Colonel Sandurz ! Lord Helmet ! It appears we have a ship zooming around Spaceball One !"

Sandurz and Dark Helmet look at the blip on the radar. "It could be a ship heading to Druidia to warn them about us, sir !"

Dark Helmet pondered the new events. "All right, we won't let that ship land on Druidia ! Prepare the tractor beam !"

As Ahsoka passed in front of the bridge, she was soon caught by the beam.

"Oh Force ! Not good ! R7, intensify thrusters ! We gotta shake off from this tractor beam !"

R7 beeped frantically.

"Not working huh ? Fine, shut everything down, R7. They're not going to get me without a fight."

The ship was soon placed into a small containment area. She soon saw a bunch of armored soldiers surrounding her ship.

Dark Helmet and Sandurz looked at the ship. "It doesn't look Drewish, sir. Perhaps this is just a stray ship."

Dark Helmet pulls his mask down. "Come out of the ship quietly and you won't be harmed."

Ahsoka complies and steps out. Everyone gasps.

Dark Helmet lifts his mask back up. "Holy Shit ! *Whistles* Well, hello Sweetheart ! Now how did you get all the way out here, hmm ?"

"I got sidetracked, ok ? Just let me go and I'll be on my way." She pleaded.

Sandurz pulls Dark Helmet to a distance. "She could be a spy, sir. Perhaps we should lock her up."

Dark Helmet dismissed his advice. "That pretty little thing, a spy ? Naaaahhhh ! She's just a kid, she's just lost, ya see ? But we're gonna hold on to her anyways..."

Dark Helmet pulls his mask down again. "No, we will not let you escape. But you won't be imprisoned either. Come along... and watch at our most triumphant moment as we capture the Princess of Druidia."

She follows reluctantly as she is brought forth to the bridge. All the technicians and officers turn their gaze at her. Their stare makes her extremely uncomfortable. " _Uh huh. Of course they're fixated on my top. What was I thinking when I had this tunic designed ? Ugh ! What a bunch of perverts !_ " She rolls her eyes in disgust and covers her chest with her arms, causing everyone to stop staring and resume their duties.

Sandurz looks out the window and sees the Princess' vehicle. "Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir."

Dark Helmet nods. "Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose."

The gunner shoots but almost blasts the ship to pieces.

Dark Helmet lifts his mask again. "Careful, you idiot ! I said across her nose, not up it !"

The gunner lifts his visor to reveal that he is cross-eyed. "Sorry, sir. Doing my best."

Dark Helmet turns to Sandurz. "Who made that man a gunner ?"

An officer speaks up, also cross-eyed. "I did, sir ! He's my cousin !"

Ahsoka can only react by chuckling silently. " _Wow ! And I thought the Separatists were incompetent ! They have NOTHING on these guys ! Ha ha ha !_ "

Dark Helmet turns again towards Sandurz. "Who is he ?"

"He's an Asshole, sir." Sandurz responds.

"I know that ! What's his name ?"

"That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole."

"And his cousin ?"

"He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate. 1st Class. Phillip Asshole."

"How many Assholes have we on this ship, anyhow ?"

All but very few stand up. "Yo !"

Ahsoka blinks a few times. "Oh Force, it's gonna be one of _those_ days, huh ?" She facepalms.

Dark Helmet looks and notices how many are up. "I knew it ! I'm surrounded by Assholes !" He pulls his mask down. "Keep firing, Assholes !"

Ahsoka covers her mouth, she's trying so hard not to laugh out loud. " _By the looks of things, I won't even need to get involved to save the good guys. These villains (Can we even call them that ?) are so incompetent that it's actually hilarious !_ "

 **Padmé's apartment, Coruscant**

Anakin Skywalker was enjoying a quick dinner with his wife. Not having Ahsoka around allowed him some extra time to spend with her.

She notices that Anakin is picking at his food. "Ani, is something bothering you ?"

He looks up to her. "Ah, it's just my Padawan. Ever since she returned from Wasskah, she's been bottling up her emotions about the horrors she faced. But even now... I wonder about her."

"Where is she ?"

"She's supposed to be on Alderaan for a meditative leave, but I haven't heard of her since she left. That was a rotation ago."

Padmé tries to relieve some of his stress. "Well... Maybe she was so exhausted from her trip that she just went to rest upon her arrival."

Anakin holds a hand to his chin. "Maybe... But I feel something. I feel her lightening up a lot. Too much. Something's weird here. Ah, I'll contact her later tonight."

"Don't worry, Ani. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself. Her returning to you is proof of that."

Anakin nods. "Yeah... Still I can't help but worry about her. We'll see later tonight, I guess."

After the dinner, Anakin makes his way back to the Jedi Temple. He looks forward to contacting his Padawan, hoping that all is well.

 **After all that drama that we've witnessed during the Season 2 Finale of Rebels, why not sit back and have a laugh or two ? This likely won't be a very long story. We'll just cover Ahsoka's reactions to all the gags and puns involving the Spaceballs. They do say laughter is the best medicine. I've decided to raise this story to an M rating because of the excessive foul language. To those of you that have seen the Spaceballs movie, what was your favorite moment ? I'm hoping the crude language won't turn off my loyal readers. Next chapter, the radar gets Jammed (Ha !), we go to Ludicrous Speed and we watch a bit of Spaceballs : The Movie while fast-forwarding ! Please leave a review.**


	2. Ludicrous Speed, GO !

Princess Vespa's ship was slowly being pulled by the tractor beam. Back on the bridge of Spaceball One, the radar technician was having issues of his own.

The radar was going haywire and suddenly, it fazed out.

"Shit !" He tapped his helmet to see if it could still hear sounds from the radar. He then called up Sandurz and Dark Helmet. "Sir ?"

Sandurz turns to him, several feet away. "What is it ?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute please, sir ?"

Sandurz and Dark Helmet walk up to him, Ahsoka at their side. "Well ?"

He still spoke through his microphone. "I'm having trouble with the radar, sir."

"You don't need that, Private, we're right here." Sandurz hangs up the microphone. "Now, what is it ?"

The microphone is still heard. "I'm having trouble with the radar, sir."

Dark Helmet loses his patience and rips out the microphone equipment. "Now, what is it ?"

"I'm having trouble with the radar, sir." The radar technician answers finally in his normal voice.

Dark Helmet stares at him. "What's wrong with it ?"

"I've lost Bleeps, I've lost the Sweeps, and the Creeps !"

All 3 look at him with confusion in their eyes.

"The what ?" Dark Helmet asks.

Sandurz was just as lost. "The what ?"

Now it was Ahsoka's turn. "And the what ?"

The radar technician decides to explain. "You know, the Bleeps *makes bleeping noises*, the Sweeps *makes sweeping noises* and the creeps. *Makes creeping noises*"

Sandurz turns to Dark Helmet. "That's not all he's lost."

Ahsoka was holding her head with her hands. "You guys wouldn't happen to have any Tylenol on hand, would you ? I feel a headache coming."

Suddenly, the weirdest thing occurs. "The radar, sir. It appears to be... JAMMED !" Jam slides down over the screen.

Ahsoka passes a finger on the screen and tastes it. "Hmm. What is this ? Strawberry ?" She looks around for a "Mr. Toaster". "Such a waste of good jam. And there's no toaster oven here ? Too bad."

"Jammed ?" Dark Helmet slides a finger and gives it a taste. "Raspberry. There's only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry." He pulls down his mask. "Lone Starr !"

The camera ends up knocking Dark Helmet backwards. It then focuses on Ahsoka, which she shakes her head and waves a finger. "Don't even think about it !"

Their silly moment is interrupted by the intercom. "Princess Vespa's shuttle is now in the containment area, Lord Helmet."

Sandurz helps Dark Helmet back up. As they make their way to the containment area, Ahsoka's comlink beeps.

"Oh no ! I have to hide !" She hides behind a wall as the Spaceballs reach the containment area. "Hello ?"

"Hey Snips ! How's meditative leave ?"

She groaned inwardly. "Master, to tell you the truth, I kinda took a wrong turn during my travels in hyperspace."

Anakin became concerned. "What ?! You're not on Alderaan ? Then where are you ?"

"On a ship, somewhere in uncharted space." She calmly explains.

"So you've been captured ?"

"Not exactly, Master. I'm kinda held up... and at the same time, I'm not."

Anakin scratched his head in confusion. "That doesn't make any sense, Snips. How can you be captured and not be captured ?"

She forced a chuckle. "Let's say those that captured me aren't exactly the brightest lights in space."

"I've got your signal, I can arrange for a rescue mission..." Anakin began to suggest before Ahsoka cut him off.

She raised a hand. "That won't be necessary, Master. I'll just bide my time. Eventually, something will turn up and I'll have an opportunity to escape."

Anakin merely blinked in response. "Are you sure ?"

Ahsoka rolled her eyes in frustration. "Yes, Master. I'm in no immediate danger whatsoever. Look, I'll prove it to you. Just watch this." She arranges the holo-camera to view Dark Helmet.

Dark Helmet pulls his mask down. "Now, we will show her who is in charge of this Galaxy."

A guard moves forward, but Dark Helmet stops him. "Hold it. I'll handle this personally." He begins to move towards the ship.

"So, Princess Vespa, you thought that you could outwit the Imperious Forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours."

He opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up. "She's not in there !"

Everyone but Ahsoka drop their weapons and cover their crotches.

Anakin looks slightly amused. "What is this ?"

"Wait for it, Master. Just wait for it." She flashes the goofiest smile to him.

The radar technician contacts Dark Helmet and Sandurz through the intercom. "Radar repaired, sir ! We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago !"

Dark Helmet stands. "Winnebago ?! Lone Starr. Lone Starr !" He bangs on the ship and ends up tumbling inside, the door closing behind him.

Ahsoka tries so hard not to laugh so loud. "See what I mean ?"

Anakin snickers. "Heh heh. I see what you mean, Snips. Those idiots couldn't capture a space freighter even if their lives depended on it. All right, I'll loosen up. But I want to hear everything about this circus when you get back. And I do mean _everything_."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Master. See you soon. Ahsoka, out." She turned off her comlink and watched as Sandurz picked Dark Helmet up again.

They return to the bridge and see Lone Starr's Winnebago in front of them.

"We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours." Sandurz reports.

"Good. Prepare to attack." Dark Helmet orders.

Sandurz keeps making a great impression of a parrot. "Prepare to attack."

"On the count of 3. 1... 2..."

Before Dark Helmet gets to 3, the Winnebago rushes out in hyperspace. He lifts his mask up and turns to Sandurz.. "Huh ? What happened ?! Where are they ?!"

"I don't know, sir ! They must have hyperjets on that thing !" Sandurz replies.

Dark Helmet gives him an angry glare. "And what have we got on this thing ?! A quezinart ?!"

Sandurz shakes his head. "No, sir !"

Dark Helmet slams his fists on the railing. "Well, find them ! Catch them !"

Sandurz reaches out for the microphone. "Yes, sir ! Prepare ship for light speed !"

Dark Helmet doesn't look satisfied. "No, no, no, light speed is too slow !"

Sandurz looks to him in shock. "Light speed too slow ?"

Dark Helmet nods. "Yes, we're gonna have to go right to... Ludicrous Speed !"

Everyone on the bridge but Ahsoka gasp in shock.

Sandurz hesitates. "Ludicrous Speed ? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it."

Dark Helmet moves up to Sandurz. "What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken ?"

Sandurz picks up the microphone and speaks in a high-pitched voice before returning to his normal one. "Prepare ship ! Prepare ship for Ludicrous Speed ! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo..."

Dark Helmet pulls the microphone away from him. "Give me that, you petty excuse of an officer !"

Sandurz quickly reaches for his seat and buckles up. Ahsoka does the same, using the now empty seat once occupied by Sergeant Rico.

Dark Helmet speaks into the microphone. "Now, hear this, Ludicrous Speed..."

Sandurz turns to him. "Sir, you better buckle up."

Dark Helmet ignores him. "Aw, buckle this ! Ludicrous Speed, GO !"

The ship's lights change from Light Speed, to Ridiculous Speed and finally end up on Ludicrous Speed. Dark Helmet hangs on to the railing for dear life as he is suspended in the air.

"WOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH ! What have I done ? My brains are going into my feet !"

Ahsoka just looks on in amusement as Dark Helmet hangs on to the railing. " _And I thought Skyguy was a speed demon ! Heh, shows what I know._ " He lekku are flailing wildly in the air, slapping the officer next to her.

Dark Helmet turns his head towards Mr. Radar. "We passed them ! Stop this thing !"

Sandurz looks up to him. "We can't stop ! It's too dangerous ! We have to slow down first !"

Dark Helmet turns to Sandurz. "Bullshit ! Stop this thing ! I order you ! STOOOOOP !"

Sandurz reaches for an emergency brake, with a label reading "Emergency Stop, never use.". As he does so, Dark Helmet flies into a panel in front of the bridge. Sandurz quickly unbuckles and rushes to Dark Helmet.

As Sandurz picks his superior up, he notices his helmet is damaged, one of the glasses on his eyeglasses is missing and the other is cracked. His face is covered in dust and dirt. "Are you all right, sir ?"

Dark Helmet looks over Sandurz. "Fine. How've you been ?"

"Fine, sir."

Dark Helmet nods. "Good."

"It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet."

"Yeah."

"What should we do now, sir ?"

Dark Helmet looks around. "Well, are we stopped ?"

Sandurz nods. "We're stopped, sir."

"Good. Why don't take a five minute break ?" Dark Helmet offers.

"Very good, sir."

"Smoke if you got 'em." Dark Helmet collapses forward.

The camera turns to Ahsoka, whom is munching on doughnuts and drinking coffee. "What ? He told us to take a break, so I'm taking one."

5 minutes later, Dark Helmet, Sandurz, Ahsoka and a Corporal are overlooking Mr. Radar.

Dark Helmet picks up a cup from Mr. Coffee. "Have you found them yet ?"

The Corporal shakes his head. "No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners."

"Well, keep looking for them." Dark Helmet drinks his coffee through his mask, creating an amusing gurgling sound.

"Pardon me, sir. I have an idea." Sandurz turns to the Corporal. "Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs The Movie."

"Yes, sir." The Corporal walks to wall labeled "Mr. Rental". He begins to look through the selection.

Dark Helmet motions to Sandurz. "Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please ?"

Sandurz walks over to him. "Yes sir."

Dark Helmet lifts his mask up. "How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs The Movie ? We're still in middle of making it."

Sandurz nods. "That's true, sir. But there has been a breakthrough in home-video marketing."

"There has ?"

"Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished." Sandurz explains.

Dark Helmet dismisses that bit of news. "Naaaaahhhh."

The Corporal finally finds the cassette. "Here it is, sir. Spaceballs." He shows everyone the cassette.

"Good work, Corporal. Punch it up." Sandurz points to the VCR. At first, they see the FBI warning. "Started too much early. Prepare to fast-forward."

The Corporal complies. "Fast-forwarding, sir !"

At first, they see the enormous Spaceball One ship moving at a much speedier rate, Dark Helmet's entrance and also Ahsoka's argument with Anakin on Coruscant.

Dark Helmet looks totally confused. "Huh ? I don't remember that part ! When did that happen ?"

"A couple hours ago, give or take." Ahsoka answers, looking highly amused to see herself going about at crazy speed.

Eventually, they reach the Ludicrous Speed scene, in which Dark Helmet is seen crashing into the panel at an alarming speed.

Dark Helmet looks on in embarrassment. "No, no, no. Go past this. Past this part. In fact, never play this again."

"Try here. Stop." Sandurz gets the movie to stop at a certain point. Everyone is staring at themselves on the screen. Dark Helmet turns toward the camera, and looks back at the monitor. Sandurz does the same. Ahsoka does the silliest faces to the camera while Dark Helmet waves his arm around. He then turns back towards the camera.

Dark Helmet had never looked so confused. "What the hell am I looking at ?! When does this happen in the movie ?"

Sandurz faces him. "Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now."

"What happened to then ?"

Sandurz is on the ball for once. "We passed then."

"When ?"

"Just now. We're at now, now."

"Go back to then." Dark Helmet pleads.

"When ?"

"Now."

Sandurz raises an eyebrow. "Now ?"

Dark Helmet is slowly losing it. "Now."

"I can't." Sandurz shrugs his shoulders.

"Why ?"

"We missed it."

"When ?"

Sandurz looks down to him. "Just now."

"When will then be now ?"

The Corporal began to rewind the cassette. We see Lone Starr, Barf, Dot and Vespa going over some dunes.

"Soon."

"How soon ?" Dark Helmet's sanity keeps plummeting.

The Corporal interrupts their confusing yet amusing discussion. "Sir !"

Dark Helmet turns to the Corporal. "What ?"

"We've identified their location."

"Where ?"

"It's the Moon of Vega." The Corporal answers.

"Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival." Sandurz orders.

Dark Helmet looks on with even more confusion in his eyes. "When ?"

"1900 hours, sir." The Corporal calculates.

"By high noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners."

"Whooooo ?" His mask falls on him, nearly knocking him down.

Ahsoka reaches for the camera, making sure it's staring at her face. "Did I say I felt a headache coming ? Nevermind, I think it's a migraine." She looks around, holding her hands to her face, ready to scream. "Now where are those Tylenols I asked earlier ? Anyone have some ?"

 **The VHS scene is so confusing and so hilarious at the same time. Easily one of the best 4th Wall Break in movies. Onto the next chapter, we'll see how Ahsoka reacts when she sees the Spaceballs "combing the desert", Dark Helmet's fit over the discovery of Yogurt and King Roland's downright silly combination for his air shield. Feel free to review.**


	3. The Stupidest Combination Ever !

**Moon of Vega**

When President Skroob ordered the Spaceballs to comb the desert, he likely meant to search far and wide. However, the Spaceballs, being as incompetent as they are, didn't quite get the memo. Dark Helmet, Sandurz and Ahsoka are overseeing a group of Spaceball guards trailing extremely oversized combs across the desert sands. Dark Helmet is wearing an oversized safari hat with a small opening for his eyes.

Sandurz decided to address his superior. "Sir ?"

Dark Helmet turned to him, megaphone in hand, ready to bark out orders. "WHAT ?!"

Sandurz cleared his throat. "Are we being too literal ?"

Ahsoka is trying so hard to keep from bursting out in laughter. " _No, no, no. You're still not literal enough ! Next thing they'll ask is to comb with a fine toothbrush._ "

Dark Helmet replied with his megaphone, with him standing right next to him. "No, you fool ! We're following orders ! We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it !" He addressed the first pair of guards, opting to shout instead of using his megaphone. "Found anything, yet ?"

They waved to him. "Nothing yet, sir."

Dark Helmet turned his attention to the second group. "How about you ?"

They waved back at him. "Not a thing, sir."

Finally, Dark Helmet addressed the two guards with the mini-comb. "What about you guys ?"

One of them looked back at him, clearly angry. "We ain't found shit !"

Ahsoka turned to Dark Helmet. "Mind if I add my two credits ?"

Dark Helmet turned to her, clearly confused. He's still using his megaphone while she's right next to him. "Huh ? What is it ?"

Ahsoka used to Force to snatch the megaphone away from him. She tapped on it, creating a bit of white noise. She cleared her throat. "You're an idiot !"

"Hey !" Dark Helmet thought about using the Schwartz on her, but he felt she had a power of her own. Similar to the Schwartz, but much more powerful.

Another proof of them being completely useless is that no one noticed the lightsabers on her belt at any given time.

Later on during the night, they arrived at what seemed to be a dead end. Unbeknownst to the Spaceballs, they were right next to the secret entrance that lead to Yogurt's home. It was concealed by a thin layer of sand.

Sandurz addressed the guards before turning his attention to Dark Helmet. "Keep searching. It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere."

Dark Helmet opened his mask. "Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz."

"The Schwartz ?" Sandurz raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. It's coming..." Dark Helmet reached into his pocket and put on his Schwartz ring. He turned towards Sandurz, causing him to cover his crotch. "...from somewhere... down there !"

Sandurz scraped a bit of the sand and found something. "You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia. It's a Y."

Ahsoka suddenly took interest in their search. " _Huh ?! Could Master Yoda be here, to help protect the good guys ?_ "

Suddenly, Dark Helmet threw a fit of the most hilarious kind. "Yogurt. Yogurt ! I hate Yogurt ! Even with strawberries !"

Ahsoka could only smirk at his reaction. " _Guess not. But I sense much wisdom and power from down there. He's probably Master Yoda's equivalent from this part of the universe. If that's even possible._ "

Sandurz grabbed his phone. "I'll call the attack squad, sir."

Dark Helmet signaled him not to call. "No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful."

"But, sir. Your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz too ?"

Dark Helmet shakes his head. "No, he's got the upside. I got the downside. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz."

Ahsoka simply rolled her eyes. " _Ok, this is obvious. The upside would be equivalent to the Light Side of the Force. Which means the downside is the equivalent of the Dark Side._ "

Sandurz removed his cap and scratched the back of his head. "Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her ?"

Dark Helmet closed his mask. "We will not go in there. She will come out to us." He held his ring up.

Inside Yogurt's home, Vespa is sleeping peacefully while Dot is in Sleep Mode. She heard a voice beckoning to her. "Vespa. Vespa, my child. Where are you ?"

She woke up. "Daddy ?"

"Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me."

She began to make her way outside. "Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. Where are you ?"

"Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me."

Dot woke up and noticed her charge was heading out. "Vespa, where are you going ?"

Vespa stepped outside and King Roland was there, waiting for her. "Vespa, come to me."

"Daddy, is it really you ?"

"Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie ?" He gave an evil grin.

Vespa ran towards him. "Daddy."

Dot finally made her way out. Through her Supervision Mode, she could tell something was off. "Oh, Vespa, don't !"

As Vespa reaches King Roland's arms, he turned into Dark Helmet. Through shock, she fainted. "Fooled you ! Ha ha ha ha !" Dot was captured by a couple of guards. Sandurz and Ahsoka joined him.

"So you actually managed to capture her on your own ? Do you want an award for that ?" Ahsoka's sarcasm was ignored for the time being.

Dark Helmet handed Vespa over to Sandurz. "Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters."

"Yes, sir." Sandurz quickly complied and took Vespa towards Spaceball One.

Ahsoka felt slightly conflicted. "Do I get involved ? Or do I leave things to the good guys ?" She shook her head. "Oh, why bother ? They'll foul up eventually, like they usually do."

 **Aboard Spaceball One**

Ahsoka is guarding the door to Dark Helmet's personal quarters. She hears him talking to himself, doing all sorts of weird voices. " _What the kriff is he doing ? The princess isin't with him. He's all alone in that room. What a weirdo._ ".

Suddenly, Sandurz came running and quickly opened his door. "Lord Helmet !" The quick shuffling of items could be heard from Helmet. "What ?!"

"You're needed on the bridge, sir !"

"Knock on my door ! Knock next time !" He was definitely taken by surprise.

Sandurz nodded. "Yes, sir !"

"Did you see anything ?" Dark Helmet asked in a slightly shaky voice.

"No, sir ! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again !" Sandurz closed the door and ran back to the bridge.

"Good !" Dark Helmet breathed a sigh of relief, before realizing Sandurz's words.

Ahsoka facepalmed. " _Oh Force ! A grown man playing with dolls ! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Hoo boy, when Anakin hears this bit, his face will be utterly priceless !_ "

 **President Skroob's office, Planet Spaceball**

Dark Helmet and Sandurz are communicating with King Roland on a video screen. Princess Vespa is tied on a table oriented vertically, with Dr. Schlotkins, preparing various operating tools. His aides, Gretchen, a well-endowed woman and Arnold, his golf caddie, are nearby. Ahsoka is standing by the doorway, watching the drama unfold.

"Helmet, you fiend ! What's going on ? What are you doing to my daughter ?"

"Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills." Dark Helmet pointed to the doctor.

Dr. Schlotkins nodded to King Roland. "Your Highness."

King Roland is caught by surprise. "Nose-job ?! I don't understand. She's already had a nose-job ! It was her sweet 16 present."

Dark Helmet readdressed the King again. "No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse ! If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back…" He held up a picture showing Vespa with a large nose. "… her old nose !"

Vespa is horrified. "Noooooooooooo ! Where did you get that ?"

Ahsoka is feeling conflicted again. " _Ok, if things get ugly, I'll have to save the Princess myself ! I can't allow those sleemos to place that horrible-looking nose back on her._ "

King Roland gave in. "All right, I'll tell, I'll tell."

Vespa attempted to change his mind. "No, Daddy, no ! You musn't !"

King Roland looked to her sadly. "You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what."

Dark Helmet turned to the doctor. "Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst."

The table turned horizontally and Dr. Schlotkins gathered various sharp tools, causing Vespa to faint.

King Roland finally cracked. "No, wait, wait. I'll tell, I'll tell."

Dark Helmet rubbed his hands in glee. "I knew it would work." He and Sandurz approached the screen. Sandurz held a notepad, ready to write the combination down.

Dark Helmet motioned towards himself. "All right, give it to me."

"The combination is…" King Roland hesitated for a moment. "One."

Dark Helmet acknowledged. "One."

Sandurz wrote the first number down. "One."

King Roland continued. "Two."

Dark Helmet repeated. "Two."

Sandurz wrote the second number down. "Two."

King Roland kept at it. "Three."

Dark Helmet sensed a pattern. "Three."

Sandurz wrote the third number down. "Three."

King Roland is almost done. "Four."

Dark Helmet began to wonder. "Four."

Sandurz wrote the fourth number down. "Four."

King Roland delivered the last number. "Five."

Dark Helmet shook his head. "Five."

Sandurz wrote the fifth and final number down. "Five."

Ahsoka slapped her montrals. _"Did I hear that right ? Is this a joke ? What kind of Ruler has a silly combination number like that ? Well… this is a parody, after all !_ "

"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five." Dark Helmet lifted his mask. "That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life ! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage !"

"Thank you, your Highness." Sandurz pulled out a remote from his pocket and pressed a button. Instead of shutting the communication screen with King Roland, the actual movie screen went blank !

Helmet can't see anything. "What'd you do ?!"

"I turned off the wall."

"No, you didn't ! You turned off the whole movie !"

"Sorry, sir. I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on." Dark Helmet pleaded.

Sandurz pressed a button, he and Dark Helmet are staring at the camera. In the background, Dr. Schlotkins and Gretchen are making out.

Ahsoka looked at them and rolled her eyes. " _Sheesh, get a room, you two !_ "

"We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination." Dark Helmet turned to the doctor, still busy with Gretchen. "Schlotkins."

Dr. Schlotkins is taken by surprise and quickly turned around while Gretchen rearranged her dress. "What ?"

"We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts." Dark Helmet pointed towards the door.

Dr. Schlotkins gathered his tools. "Let's go, Arnold. Come Gretchen." Before he leaves, he quickly turned to Dark Helmet. "Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this."

As they exit, Gretchen glanced at Sandurz and Helmet.

Dark Helmet turned to Sandurz. "I'll bet she gives great helmet."

Ahsoka facepalmed at the comment. " _And I actually caught on to that. That's the last time I stick with drunk clones when they end up saying a bunch of nonsense. Gotta get those thoughts outta my mind ! Get out of my head !_ "

President Skroob finally joined them, he quickly went to speak with Dark Helmet and Sandurz, completely ignoring Ahsoka. "Well, did it work ? Where's the King ?"

Dark Helmet could only smile in contentment. "It worked, sir. We have the combination."

President Skroob rubbed his hands. "Great ! Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination ?"

Sandurz looked at his notepad. "One, two, three, four, five."

"One, two, three, four, five ?" President Skroob looked completely astonished. "That's amazing ! I've got the same combination on my luggage !"

This time, Ahsoka was unable to hold her laughter in. She roared in laughter. "Ha ! Ha ha ! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! Oh, this is too good ! My sides ache ! Oh Force, I have to use the refresher, otherwise I'll soil myself from laughing so much !" She raced to the nearest refresher, laughing all the way.

President Skroob was absolutely clueless about the Togruta's reaction. "What's her problem ? Ah, whatever. Prepare Spaceball One for immediate departure… and change the combination on my luggage."

They began to pass through the door, but the door closes in on Dark Helmet, causing his oversized helmet to get stuck.

 **The humor keeps on piling. Next chapter, we'll see Mega Maid, Dark Helmet vs Lone Starr and the crazy ending. Feel free to leave a review.**


	4. Lone Starr vs Dark Helmet

**Inside Spaceball One, on the way towards Druidia…**

Hasty footsteps are heard through the ship. At the bridge, Dark Helmet, Sandurz and Ahsoka turn around to see President Skroob running towards them.

A voice through the intercom is heard. "President Skroob ! Salute !"

Everyone but Ahsoka salutes him in their odd hand movements. "Hail Skroob !"

President Skroob finally reaches the bridge, stops to take a breather. "The ship is too big ! If I walk, the movie would be over."

He turns to the trio and is momentarily spooked when he sees Dark Helmet's mask is down. "Never have that damn thing down in front of me ! How do I know you're not making faces at me under there ?!"

Dark Helmet reacts by lifting his mask and sticking his tongue at Skroob while he has his back turned. Ahsoka simply rolls her eyes at the banter between the two.

Sandurz tries to return the attention to their plan. "President Skroob !"

He turns and misses Helmet returning his tongue where it belongs. "Yes ?"

"There it is : Planet Druidia." Sandurz points towards the view on the window.

Skroob smiles. "Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10 000 years of fresh air !"

Helmet turns to Sandurz. "The way he runs things, it won't last 100."

Skroob turns to Helmet. "What ?"

"Nothing."

Ahsoka snorts out a laugh. " _He has a point ! This guy can't run his little planet even if his life depended on it._ "

Sandurz looks over the proceedings. "We're beginning metamorphosis, sir."

Skroob rubs his hands. "Good ! Get on with it !"

The ship begins to transform. It becomes a huge statue with a vacuum cleaner attached to it.

Sandurz turns to Skroob. "Metamorphosis is completed, sir. Spaceball One has now become…"

A drummer plays a dramatic fanfare of sorts.

"… Mega Maid !"

Dark Helmet lifts his mask. "Good."

Skroob is completely overwhelmed. "Remarkable !"

Dark Helmet presses a button. "Now, commence Operation : Vacu-suck."

Ahsoka face palmed. " _Ok, that has to be the corniest name for a mission… ever !_ "

Sandurz, Helmet and Skroob are cheering from the railing. "Suck ! Suck ! Suck !"

Ahsoka shook her head. " _What the Force are we watching ? A machine draining air from a planet or a holo-porn ? Guh ! I can't believe I even thought about that ! Away, evil imagery !_ "

Several minutes later, the process is reversed. Skroob begins to panic. He turns to Helmet. "Helmet, what's going on ?"

Helmet turns to Sandurz. "Sandurz, what's going on ?"

Sandurz looks over to the commands. "It's Mega Maid. It's gone from suck to blow !"

Ahsoka once again face palmed. " _Are we done with the lame blowjob jokes ?! C'mon, guys ! Try harder !_ "

"What ?! They're getting all their air back !" Skroob turns to Helmet. "Do something !"

Helmet turns to Sandurz. "Do something !"

Sandurz picks up his microphone. "Do something !"

Ahsoka blinks several times. " _This is a whole new level of low for them. If they keep going lower, we'll need to go down the basement… if there is one, that is._ "

Several minutes later, a guard approaches Helmet. "Sir, there's a curious person making his way to the Self-Destruct Room."

Helmet pulls his mask down. "It must be Lone Starr. I will go and deal with him." He turns to Ahsoka. "You, come with me. You will witness Lone Starr's downfall." They both make their way towards the Self-Destruct Room.

Just as Lone Starr is about to press the self-destruct button, Dark Helmet enters, followed by Ahsoka. "Not so fast, Lone Starr."

Lone Starr turns around and notices Ahsoka. "Who the hell are you ?"

"Oh, don't mind me, I'm only here for the show." A "ding" is heard. Ahsoka takes a bowl from "Mr. Popcorn" and a soft drink from "Mr. Soda". She then sits down on a chair. "Ok, you two, get on with it."

Lone Starr scratches his head. "What were my lines again ? *Thinks a bit* Oh right ! *Clears throat* Helmet ! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. *Thinks about what he just said* Yeah."

Dark Helmet faces his nemesis. "Before you die, there is something you know about us, Lone Starr."

Lone Starr raises an eyebrow. "What ?"

"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate."

Lone Starr is confused. "So what does that make us ?"

"Absolutely nothing ! Which is what you're about to become ! Prepare to die !" Dark Helmet puts on his Schwartz Ring and positions it in front of his crotch. It creates a beam akin to a lightsaber. Lone Starr also "ignites" his Schwartz Ring.

"You have the Ring. And your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it."

The two begin to fight. Both keep their distance, but eventually Lone Starr fools Dark Helmet into charging in the opposite direction, killing the sound guy of the recording crew.

Dark Helmet looks at the crew and back at Lone Starr. "Umm… He did it !" He points at Lone Starr.

"What ?!" Lone Starr doesn't seem to take kindly to this false accusation. They resume their fighting. They come too close and their beams become entwined with one another.

Ahsoka almost chokes from her popcorn. " _Woah ! I've never seen that happen with my lightsabers ! Good thing that never happened yet !_ "

"Shit ! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted ! Okay, maybe if I put my leg up on yours, we can split apart." The two attempt the silliest of methods to free themselves.

"Good, yeah. Ok, on 3. 1… 2… 3… go !" They finally separate from each other, causing their beams to shut down.

Dark Helmet turns on his beam again and points it straight at Lone Starr. Lone Starr does the same and their beams cause tiny sparks as they touch each other. In the end, Dark Helmet's beam shuts down. Lone Starr takes the opportunity to strike at Helmet. To his surprise, his oversized helmet is immune to the beam.

Eventually, Dark Helmet lets his guard down by lifting up his mask and laughing at him. Lone Starr retaliates by punching Helmet in the face, knocking him down. He soon gets back up, and attempts to cleave Lone Starr. Lone Starr, being much taller, simply holds him from a safe distance. Dark Helmet is released from Lone Starr's grip and crashes into a locker.

Dark Helmet regains his footing and notices his helmet is damaged. "So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it's a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there !" Dark Helmet offers to shake hands with Lone Starr. As they shake hands, Helmet yanks Lone Starr's Schwartz Ring from his hand. "The Ring ! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book ! What a goof ! What's with you, man ? Come on ! You know what ? No, here, let me give it back to you."

As Helmet "offers" the Ring back to Lone Starr, he instead throws it into a grate, out of reach. "Oh, look ! You fell for that too ! I can't believe it, man !"

Lone Starr quickly gets back up and backs into a corner. Ahsoka is still watching intently, ready to grab her lightsabers at a moment's notice if things do get out of hand.

"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." He fires several beams at Lone Starr, which he avoids by mere luck. "Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports !"

Suddenly, Yogurt's disembodied voice is heard through the room. "Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz !"

Lone Starr has doubts. "I can't ! I lost the Ring !"

Yogurt reassures him. "Forget the Ring ! The Ring is pumpkin ! I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr ! It's in you !"

Lone Starr sighs. "All right, I'll try."

Ahsoka chuckles silently. " _You're lucky Master Yoda isn't here, he would lecture you about doubting yourself… and he would end with : "Do… or do not. There is no try."_ "

Helmet aims for Lone Starr's crotch. "Say goodbye to your two best friends… and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago."

Lone Starr quickly uses the Schwartz to pull a mirror to cover his crotch. The beam bounces back and hits Dark Helmet in the crotch area, causing him to stumble backwards, his helmet pressing the Self-Destruct button. An alarm begins to blare.

A voice was heard on the intercom. "Thank you for pressing the Self-Destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in 3 minutes."

Lone Starr looks to Ahsoka. "I don't know about you, but I don't plan on sticking around longer than I need to. You need a lift ?"

Ahsoka shakes her head. "I have my own transportation. Get going ! Look for a small ship with a droid in front of the cockpit. Good luck !"

Lone Starr waves her goodbye. "Got it ! Good luck yourself too, girlie !"

As Lone Starr races for his Winnebago, Ahsoka makes her way back to the bridge. President Skroob and Sandurz are standing there, not too sure what to do about the situation.

Skroob reacts in the most hilarious way. "What's going on ? Where the hell are we, Paris ?!"

The intercom sounds off again. "Thank you for pressing the Self-Destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds."

Skroob turns to Sandurz. "You've got to stop it ! Is there any way to stop it ?!"

Sandurz shakes his head. "I can't ! It's irreversible !"

"Like my raincoat !" Skroob mutters.

Sandurz grabs the microphone. "Attention ! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command ! Abandon ship ! Abandon ship !"

Everyone panics and starts running like crazy.

"All personnel, proceed to the escape pods ! Close down the circus ! Evacuate the zoo ! The self-destruct mechanism has been activated ! Abandon ship !"

Skroob grabs Sandurz by his collar. "Sandurz, Sandurz ! You've got to help me ! I don't know what to do ! I can't make decisions ! I'm the President !"

"This is your 2 minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly 2 minutes."

Sandurz swallows a lump in his throat. "Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled !"

Ahsoka stops in front of them for a moment. "Sorry, boys ! It's been fun, but I've gotta make like a banana and split ! Ciao !"

Skroob looks in outright horror. "Hey, hey, hey ! Where do you think you're going ?!"

"I've got a ship of my own, you fools !" She begins to run towards the containment area.

"Shit ! Wait, wait, wait ! We're tagging along !" Skroob and Sandurz try to pursue her, but she ends up Force-pushing them back to the bridge.

Ahsoka activates her comlink. "R7 ! Get ready to blast us out of here ! I'm on my way !" R7 beeps a response. "I don't care if you think it's too short notice ! Get the ship prepped, pronto !"

Back on the bridge, Sandurz, Skroob and Helmet race to the escape pods. Pretty much all of them are full and departing. Skroob stops in front of a pod in which a pizza delivery guy is seated. "Hey, get outta there ! Where do you think you're going ?!"

"Pizza to go !" The pizza delivery guy laughs as his escape pod leaves.

Helmet manages to find an empty escape pod, but a circus performer is getting in. "Hey, that's my escape pod ! Who are you ?"

"I'm the bearded lady ! Who are you ? One of the freaks ?" The bearded lady shoves Helmet away as she gets in and leaves.

Helmet looks through the window, clearly enraged. "Get back here, you fat bearded bitch !"

The three fail to notice as a bear enters the last remaining escape pod.

Skroob turns to his two underlings. "One pod left, and three of us. I'm the President. Well boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it ! Goodbye !" Skroob enters the pod and sits on the bear, attempting to attach its arms together like a seatbelt. The bear lets out a growl, scaring Skroob out of the pod, allowing the bear to escape.

Ahsoka finally manages to blast her way out of Spaceball One. She flies around, waiting to see if Lone Starr will also escape safely.

The intercom sounds off again. "This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button."

Skroob holds his head in his hands. "Cancellation button ?! Hurry !"

They all slide down the stairs to the bridge. They manage to reach the control panel.

Helmet searches in panic. "Where is it ?! Where is it ?!"

Sandurz looks. "It's gotta be here !"

They find the compartment and open it. Inside, there is a sign reading "Out of Order".

"Out of order ?!"

Helmet bangs onto the control panel. "Fuck ! Even in the future, nothing works !"

"This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds."

All three of them huddle together, awaiting the inevitable.

"Counting down. 10… 9… 8… 6…"

President Skroob notices the error. "6 ? What happened to 7 ?"

"Just kidding."

All three growl at the ship's computer.

"7… 6… 5…"

Lone Starr's Winnebago is almost out of the ship.

"4… 3… 2… 1… Have a nice day."

"Thank you." Sandurz, Skroob and Helmet scrunch themselves even more.

Lone Starr escapes at the last moment, milliseconds before Spaceball One blows up. They all cheer. Ahsoka contacts Lone Starr through the comm.

"You did great back there, Lone Starr ! It would seem your Schwartz is as good as the Force from where I come from."

"Can I ask you something, girlie ? Why were you with the Spaceballs of all people ?"

"I was captured. I'm guessing they underestimated me because of my appearance. There were a few instances that I wanted to get involved, but these guys were just sloppy. It was just a matter of time before they messed up. I used the distraction caused by the alarm to make good my escape. I'm glad you also managed to escape safely. By the way, you can call me Ahsoka. I'm guessing you'll be returning Princess Vespa home now ?"

Lone Starr sighed. "Yeah, that's the plan. You take care of yourself, Ahsoka."

Both ships parted ways. Not long after they escaped, it was revealed that Pizza the Hutt ate himself to death while he was locked in his limo. Lone Starr and Barf no longer owed him 1 million spacebucks. While Ahsoka was wandering around uncharted space, Lone Starr returned Vespa to King Roland. Vespa's would-be future husband, Prince Valium, was asleep during the entire time.

Eventually, Ahsoka meets Lone Starr and Barf in a space diner.

Lone Starr and Barf sit at the bar stools, Ahsoka isn't sitting too far from them.

Lone Starr notices her. "Ahsoka ? You stopped here ?"

"Yep. I needed extra fuel for my ship. Might as well have a snack while I'm here, right ?"

Lone Starr nods. "Yeah. They have some good grub here."

A waitress approaches the duo. "Hi, big stuff. Hi, dream. What'll you have ?"

Lone Starr looks up to her. "We've just got a few minutes while we're gasin' up. What's ready ?"

The waitress looks at them. "I can give you the Space Soup or the Space Special."

Lone Starr thinks for a moment. "I'll… have the soup."

Barf makes a quick decision. "I'll have the cleavage… Um… I mean… the special."

The waitress begins to walk back towards the kitchen. "Ok, one soup and one special."

Lone Starr turns to Ahsoka. "What did you take ?"

"The soup." She replies.

As another waitress is ordering food and drink for a couple, Barf's tails gets in the way. "Hey. Hey ! Watch where you're sticking that thing !"

Barf looks at the waitress. "Huh ? Oh, look sweetheart, it's got a mind of its own, can't do a thing with it ! Ha ha ha !"

Their attention is turned towards a group of people. One is enjoying his special.

Eventually, an odd alien creature bursts out of the chest… the one that took the special.

The creature wears a top hat and sings a show tune as it walks out of the diner.

"Hello my honey. Hello my rag-time gal. Sonny my pitched my wild. Baby my heart's on fire."

Lone Starr looks up to the waitress. Ahsoka joins in. "Check please."

Afterwards, Ahsoka meets with Lone Starr and Barf.

"I need to return to the Republic. You guys take care of yourselves."

"Um, I get the feeling we are invited to Vespa's wedding. Want to come along ?" Lone Starr offers.

Ahsoka nods. "Sure. For a free meal, I'll go."

Eventually, it is revealed that Lone Starr's medallion states that he is an official prince. As Lone Starr lands back on Druidia, he shows off his medallion. Vespa shoves Valium and chooses Lone Starr as her husband.

They eventually get married.

Ahsoka grabs onto loads of Kleenex, cries and dries her tears.

Dot Matrix looks to her. "What's the matter, Togruta ?"

"Weddings always make me cry. I could only wish that I could have this happiness." She replies.

Dot Matrix looks up to Ahsoka. "What's stopping you ? Your Jedi Order ?"

Ahsoka blows her nose some more. "Oh, yes. Our "beloved" Order is extremely strict against relationships. If only they'd allow it. I recently met this boy, Lux Bonteri. Good manners. Chocolate brown hair. Lovely green eyes. A nice guy, overall. I don't know why, but I get the weirdest feeling that we'll end up together in the future."

Dot Matrix looks up to her again. "Sure sounds like a nice kid. Who knows, maybe some events in your future will bring you two together."

Ahsoka looks to Dot Matrix. "Heh, not likely. As long as I'm attached to my Master, the odds of any relationship are shot down the drain. Oh well, at least Lone Starr and Vespa are happy together."

Dot looks to her. "You know what really bums me about all this ?"

Ahsoka turns to her. "What ?"

"I've got to kiss my Virgin Alarm goodbye."

Ahsoka face palms. "I had to ask."

As Lone Starr and Vespa head out to their honeymoon, Ahsoka returns back to Coruscant. Anakin was extremely pleased to see her again. "Hey Snips, welcome back."

"Thank you, Master. Glad to be back."

Anakin places a hand on her shoulder. "So ? Wanna tell me about your little adventure ?"

Ahsoka begins to laugh a little. "Ok, Master. But you better not stray too far from the refresher, you might laugh so much to soil yourself."

Anakin playfully pokes her. "Oh come on, Snips ! It can't be that funny !"

She turns to him. "You think ? Here, have a look at this." She offers him the "Spaceballs : The Movie" holo-recording.

After about an hour and a half, Anakin soiled himself no less than 5 times by laughing uncontrollably. He dries his tears and rushes to change his underwear… for the fifth time. "Force, Snips ! I hope you're happy. Look at this mess ! I think Obi-wan and the rest of the Council should see this !"

Ahsoka snorts out a laugh. "Be my guest, Skyguy."

Anakin and Ahsoka walk to the Council. "Masters, my Padawan has returned from her "meditative leave". She has something she wishes to share with all of you."

After the entire recording is played out, the Council did something no Jedi have ever seen before. They laughed. They laughed a lot. Even the most serious ones such as Plo Koon and Mace Windu.

Yoda chuckled from his chair. "Know this Yogurt, I do. Distant relative of mine, he is. Very wise and strong in the Schwartz, he is."

Ahsoka's shoulders move up and down from all the laughter. "Well then… May the Schwartz be with us all !"

 **So Ahsoka returns back home from her crazy adventures with the Spaceballs. I hope you all had some genuine laughs at some points in this story. Now that this story is completed, I can refocus my attention on Wishes Come True, my current major project. There will be some interesting moments in the future chapters. Please feel free to review.**


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